Well, he is still in the field and I am still left home alone...
With The Kid.
The Kid decided to play with matches the other day and has subsequently been grounded, with time added as needed for back talk, refusal to listen, etc...
So, I have spent the day in a 50/50 mix of emotion... 50% having to holler at The Kid for his refusal to act his age and just complete simple tasks and back talking me. The other 50% fighting back tears cause... well... just cause.
And then there will be Korea....
I have issues handling on lousy week anymore and I'm expecting to do a whole freaking year...
Gonna take a lot of entertainment and support from friends and family, especially if I have to do it all with The Kid in tow!
Heading off to bed to try to sleep away some of the sad feelings that have been haunting me all day.
Good Night...
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
4 - 1 = Not Nearly Enough
So, he's going to Korea...
In 4 months...
and they go to the field off and on for approximately one out of those 4, that are left....
And, I'm not supposed to get upset, angry, or whatever.
REALLY?!?
Between the late nights and the stupid field time, I feel like we are barely getting time to see each other, let alone figure out a plan for the next year apart.
These field exercises never used to bother me like this. They were my free time. My relaxation time where I took a bath and read a book before bed, ate what I wanted that he doesn't like for dinner, watched chick flicks on tv without complaint. It was a girlie night all to myself.
NOW.... Now I am miserable by lunch time and don't understand why. I can't stand the long nights and wind up going to bed very early. I eventually get my bath in, usually right before he comes home, sacrificing bath time for quickie showers at night just to get in and out and that's only with all the lights on in the house when I go into the bathroom. (Can't stand coming out of the bathroom in a dark house and being in there without him home, scares me to death, hence the quickie showers.) I don't like leaving the house at night. I don't really want to go anywhere, at all. I just want to sit here and feel lonely and miserable. But, I know that drives him insane, so, I get out at least once a FTX just to keep him happy. I try hard to save the tears for bed, that way no one else knows. I try very hard not to argue with him when he is away, but, it never fears... someone always takes something said in a text or a quickie call out of context and we snivel at one another. We always make up before we're both in bed (wherever those beds might be, home together or one home/ one field) but, it's the ruination of that whole time period that we could have been lovey dovey and were instead bickering that winds up making me so sad and miss him that much more!
It bothers me that he will let me cry on the phone and snot and bawl and just sit there, talking calmly, trying to calm me down enough to breathe. He's sweet and talks things out and listens...
But, I can't just show emotion around here when he's home.
If I'm angry and it gets taken out on people, whether they deserve it or not, then I'm just being a bitch.
If I'm sad or upset and break down and cry or seem depressed, people either get angry that I'm sad or do that damn thing where they try to "fix me". I just want to scream, sometimes, "don't fix me... LET me be sad. I'm sad for a reason. Unless the reason is fixed, I have a right to be sad..."
I do have a right to be sad, don't I?
I'm pretty sure I do. I just wish he would quit trying to cheer me up or brush it all off and just hold me and let me be sad occasionally.
The last time, his second deployment, my first, yes, we had months to think about it. But, there was so much going on last time with two divorces happening at the same time, moving, learning about each other and the lifestyle, meeting new people and making friends. I didn't have time to realize how hard it would be. How lonely. How miserable. How much it hurts watching him board that plane and fly far, far away. How empty the house is, even with the kids here. How large our bed is without him to share it. How my heart breaks just thinking about him. How much I fall apart without him.
Last time I didn't know all of that. This time I do. And it scares the living daylights out of me, knowing how rough it gets for me and that I can't just disappear and wait to hear from him... no matter how much I want to.
I feel so stupid, and so regretful that we decided that I would stay here. I know this is the choice that makes the most sense, and that even if we were going, we'd still be here alone for 8 or so months, any how, before we could get sponsorship to join him. But, I just can't get past wondering, all the time, if we should be going along and doing the 2 years vs this one?
I can't seem to think straight, again. I don't want to have to deal with all of this mess, especially the parts that require me to deal with them alone.
Sometimes I find myself wishing that his career was almost over and we were looking down on retirement instead of yet another separation. (I know it's a PCS, but, since we're not going and he is, it feels more like a deployment then a PCS).
I don't really know what I'm going to do to stay busy and keep sane. I'll have to find something. Since I won't be WITH the unit he's assigned to, I guess FRG work is out. I hate PTA crap, don't ask, just do. Maybe I'll finally get off my lazy butt and get my schooling done or get a job, or both? I'll have to do something. Cause 365 days of being sad, lonely, and blue.... is just too damn long.
In 4 months...
and they go to the field off and on for approximately one out of those 4, that are left....
And, I'm not supposed to get upset, angry, or whatever.
REALLY?!?
Between the late nights and the stupid field time, I feel like we are barely getting time to see each other, let alone figure out a plan for the next year apart.
These field exercises never used to bother me like this. They were my free time. My relaxation time where I took a bath and read a book before bed, ate what I wanted that he doesn't like for dinner, watched chick flicks on tv without complaint. It was a girlie night all to myself.
NOW.... Now I am miserable by lunch time and don't understand why. I can't stand the long nights and wind up going to bed very early. I eventually get my bath in, usually right before he comes home, sacrificing bath time for quickie showers at night just to get in and out and that's only with all the lights on in the house when I go into the bathroom. (Can't stand coming out of the bathroom in a dark house and being in there without him home, scares me to death, hence the quickie showers.) I don't like leaving the house at night. I don't really want to go anywhere, at all. I just want to sit here and feel lonely and miserable. But, I know that drives him insane, so, I get out at least once a FTX just to keep him happy. I try hard to save the tears for bed, that way no one else knows. I try very hard not to argue with him when he is away, but, it never fears... someone always takes something said in a text or a quickie call out of context and we snivel at one another. We always make up before we're both in bed (wherever those beds might be, home together or one home/ one field) but, it's the ruination of that whole time period that we could have been lovey dovey and were instead bickering that winds up making me so sad and miss him that much more!
It bothers me that he will let me cry on the phone and snot and bawl and just sit there, talking calmly, trying to calm me down enough to breathe. He's sweet and talks things out and listens...
But, I can't just show emotion around here when he's home.
If I'm angry and it gets taken out on people, whether they deserve it or not, then I'm just being a bitch.
If I'm sad or upset and break down and cry or seem depressed, people either get angry that I'm sad or do that damn thing where they try to "fix me". I just want to scream, sometimes, "don't fix me... LET me be sad. I'm sad for a reason. Unless the reason is fixed, I have a right to be sad..."
I do have a right to be sad, don't I?
I'm pretty sure I do. I just wish he would quit trying to cheer me up or brush it all off and just hold me and let me be sad occasionally.
The last time, his second deployment, my first, yes, we had months to think about it. But, there was so much going on last time with two divorces happening at the same time, moving, learning about each other and the lifestyle, meeting new people and making friends. I didn't have time to realize how hard it would be. How lonely. How miserable. How much it hurts watching him board that plane and fly far, far away. How empty the house is, even with the kids here. How large our bed is without him to share it. How my heart breaks just thinking about him. How much I fall apart without him.
Last time I didn't know all of that. This time I do. And it scares the living daylights out of me, knowing how rough it gets for me and that I can't just disappear and wait to hear from him... no matter how much I want to.
I feel so stupid, and so regretful that we decided that I would stay here. I know this is the choice that makes the most sense, and that even if we were going, we'd still be here alone for 8 or so months, any how, before we could get sponsorship to join him. But, I just can't get past wondering, all the time, if we should be going along and doing the 2 years vs this one?
I can't seem to think straight, again. I don't want to have to deal with all of this mess, especially the parts that require me to deal with them alone.
Sometimes I find myself wishing that his career was almost over and we were looking down on retirement instead of yet another separation. (I know it's a PCS, but, since we're not going and he is, it feels more like a deployment then a PCS).
I don't really know what I'm going to do to stay busy and keep sane. I'll have to find something. Since I won't be WITH the unit he's assigned to, I guess FRG work is out. I hate PTA crap, don't ask, just do. Maybe I'll finally get off my lazy butt and get my schooling done or get a job, or both? I'll have to do something. Cause 365 days of being sad, lonely, and blue.... is just too damn long.
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